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April 2, 2012

i have never been very good at love, especially in cases where my own heart was actively involved. Essentially because these issues point to vulnerability and a measure of stupidity i could never train myself to master.i grew up much of a loner and a book worm so i was left out in socializing 101 and then when i  finally caught up with socializing i did it with the wrong sex-boys. That does  not encourage fostering a trusting relationship with a man cos all the things guys tell their friends who are girls about the girls they are dating aren’t always good and believe me the first thing that then comes to mind, in your own relationship, in a not so clear scenario is “this is what Brian was doing to Jane’ . Also I think there is a certain level of ‘man-ing’ up that comes with hanging with boys such that openly loving someone becomes an indication of weakness and a show of emotion is an invitation to be taken advantage of. 

My parent’s divorce also did not help me think much of men. Trust me i love men- being a very hetero sexual girl i LOVE MEN! but on very deep level of my psyche I cant seem to come to appreciate that there are qualities in them which are useable for tender purposes. Hence I have never stayed long with a man at any given time because I am always waiting for the pin to drop and even if it doesn’t break or hurt anybody, I am always out the door in 2 seconds flat. In times when i am too paralyzed with fear (of being alone) to leave i become the worst girlfriend a  man could possibly have cos i can be, very much a horrible person, but who wants to be that way.  

I pretty much envy people who can let go of themselves trust another human being and take them in as completely as they come, I sincerely believe its a talent. so to all my fellow human being who know how to love, trust me you are truly blessed and its not a thing to take for granted.

But my request then is what are the pointers? How does one, at 25, begin to maneuver the complexities of dating and relationships to just become one who can do it and stay with someone as long as it takes? 



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One Comment
  1. brighton permalink

    Waal, quite emotional. Spent a day with me , ask me all these questions will tell you the remedy to your fears. there’s is something quite useful about men, you just have to open your eyes and see it but if you were / are expecting something miraculous you will be disappointed. Not so sure how good was the first person who took you through Socializing 101.

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